Gosh, it's been a while since I've been here hasn't it? *blows the dust off*

I've been laying in bed with eleventy million thoughts buzzing around my brain as usual & I was compelled to write some of it down.  Sometimes that helps, just to have it down on paper somehow means I can put a pin in it for now & get some sleep knowing if it's important it's there, written down, for me to sort out & make sense of it when I'm awake & hopefully less tired & frustrated.

The dilemma I had was, do I buy a paper diary, write in it with a pen, the good old fashioned way, OR, do I grab the laptop & write in my blog?

Then of course the questions come pouring into my head.  Do people want to read about me, warts n' all?  Do people come to this blog knowing they'll get a frank & sometimes blunt & bleak glimpse into what makes me, Donna, tick?  Should I be writing down all the things that make me me, all the ups & downs (you should probably strap on a seatbelt if your answer is yes to that) OR do people come here just to see the fluffy, sugar coated Miss Red & what she's stitched recently & how her little business is progressing?

I really don't have the answers, & that's partly why I've not written here for a while.  I've been ill, struggled with pain, with mood, there's been a lot going on, a lot to cope with, & not really much fluffy nice stuff in my life recently.  

I wish you could respond as I write this, it's tricky being stuck here with just my own train of thought for input...


I question why I'd want to write the *real* things in a blog for all to see rather than keep them in a private diary hidden from the world.  A surprisingly selfless reason pops up, I'm not thinking of baring all out of some weird ego trip or to get sympathy or solutions, part of me just thinks there may be a few people out there going through similar things who might actually benefit or take comfort from knowing they're not alone.  I'm not saying my story is the same as theirs exactly, or that I have all the answers but I'm a real person, dealing as best I can with the issues I have & I'm not entirely sure it's helpful portraying myself as some mega clued up entrepreneur who never has any problems & is always bright & breezy.  I've been open about my M.E & depression from the beginning of this blog last year & it'd be unrealistic to say that in that time I've not had some pretty dark times.

Of course, even if it is a good idea to put everything out there, this blog is attached to Miss Red, my business.  Does it help then to keep things light & fluffy here & find some other forum for the more rounded & realistic view OR are people open to taking me as I am & accepting me as a whole person going through some tough situations but who also happens to be damn good at creating corsets, designing cross stitch patterns, making gorgeous embroidery & selling great value craft supplies?

What do you think?  Please do indulge me with a response, whether it's a comment here or private message, I really do value the opinions of the people who actually read this blog.

Thanks in advance & *huge hugs*

This time last year I'd just received my final wages from my last job.

I'd started as a temp at this government quango & after a year of glowing reports, pay rises & contract extensions I was *promoted* into a permanent role.  Much as I missed teaching I knew my health wasn't up to a full time teaching role so begrudgingly accepted, relieved that my financial situation would at least become stable.

Little did I know it would all be downhill from there, the new role being nothing like the temporary roles I'd done & essentially turning me into a phone monkey.  No offence meant to anyone who works in call centre/contact centre, in fact hats off to you!  As someone with severe anxiety issues & a phone phobia I'd never have accepted the post had I been aware of the change in role!  I approached my line manager who assured me despite being put through phone training I'd soon be back in my administrative post because it would be a busy period for my team & I knew more about the process than anyone on the team (including/especially her!)  Of course just a couple of months later it'd be my word against hers that she'd made these reassurances & she'd convince management that I'd known all along what I was agreeing to when I accepted the job.  (8 hours a day on the phone being told when I'm allowed to leave my desk & watching bimbling idiots around me stuffing up the job I *used* to do really well)

After 5 months off ill followed by being pushed too hard on a phased return & being ill again occupational health & other medical professionals were unanimous in the decision that redeployment was the way forward.  Shortly after this decision was formalised I was brought in for a *redeployment* meeting.  Allegedly there was no position to move me to, despite hiring 3 new staff members to carry out the job I'd managed without illness and with glowing reports for several months.  Since I'd already had my trial period extended by three months it was decided I was incapable of carrying out the role I was hired for (no shit Sherlock!) so therefore I no longer had a job.

Obviously it hadn't been my ideal job but it had been my lifeline for almost 2 years & to suddenly just stop having any income came as a shock as well as causing many sleepless nights & exacerbating my ME .  Having already been turned down for DLA (but in the process of appealing it) I had no idea how I'd pay the bills & no optimism where new employment was concerned with over 100 sick days under my belt.  Already in a very dark place it did nothing for my mental health either, it's very difficult trying to see a silver lining when even somewhere you don't want to work but slog your heart out for doesn't think it's worth giving you a break.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger apparently ;)